I had a crescent wrench that is actually pretty cool -- it's like a monkey crescent wrench. But it didn't like that small bolt very much and started to strip the bolt. Then I went and grabbed a real monkey wrench and it stripped it more. So I quit for the night and went to look for a socket set in the morning. I thought I had mine down at the church, but it wasn't there. So I borrowed the church's set. I came home and tried to take off the bolt again. I sprayed it with some PB Blaster. I tried different sizes, but the bolt was stripped and wouldn't come out. So I went online and saw a pretty obvious thing -- try a pipe wrench. It worked and I was able to finish changing my battery -- which worked. I drove to work without being jumped this morning (which says a lot in San Bernardino. I hate being jumped -- especially when I'm broke anyway.)
But this whole thing got me thinking about something Trina and I were talking about last night while shopping for the battery. The fact that neither of us really have any close friends anymore outside of each other. The frustration of working but not developing the relationships needed to keep people involved and engaged in the ministry of the church. Going through all those tools this morning trying to change my battery makes me wonder if I am a tool in the wrong setting. My crescent wrench is a great tool that is good for changing tires, brakes, and bolts everywhere but on my battery. The monkey wrench is a good tool too. The socket set is probably the right tool until something goes wrong. The pipe wrench is an emergency stop-gap measure that shouldn't work but does. Am I the wrong tool for the right job right now? Am I the right tool in the wrong job because I've stripped the job of it's original integrity? Have I stripped others around me of their authority, the respect they deserve, or passion because I have been out of it for the last year?
Right now, everyone is talking about 7 years since the attack on the World Trade Center changed our lives. It didn't come to me until that last sentence in the last paragraph that it has been about a year since my twin towers crumbled -- the closure of the school and me going from full-time to part-time and the beginning quest of looking for a job -- which took 6 months and most of my self-esteem.
Anyway, back to being a tool. I've noticed relationships I had in the past have deteriorated to small-talk acquaintances. I do wonder if it's me, that some have seen the wrong side of me and figured they don't want to associate with me anymore, that I just am not interesting anymore. Then I wonder if it is the fact that we have a difficult group to be with as we have 4 kids under 7 and Micah can snap at any given moment to undesirable to everyone but our family. Is it that we seem too needy? Socially inept?
Maybe because I don't follow social norms as tightly (or at all) as some (or most) would deem necessary. Growing up, I used to just show up at certain people's houses all the time and hang out. That isn't looked on as an enduring quality now that I have a family and they have a family. I wonder how the Dunham's dealt with me. Maybe I'm just not a good friend. I can see that. I am horrible at communication. I am not too active. I don't know. Maybe my tool kit has gone bad and others are moving on with other tools that will help them build the lives they want. Maybe I have been left behind because I'm just the big kid who has turned a little too serious lately.
I am sure if I reread this post right now, I'd be depressed. Sorry for the sad emo-istic life story. In all reality though, I still see God at work in my life and in my family. I am just wondering if God may be closing things and causing discontentment to make it obvious when he opens something else -- but I am prepared to stay where I am. Whatever God does, He knows what He is doing better than I do.
The Verse:
Psalm 34:17-19
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all
1 comment:
Wow, that was depressing...care to talk about your child almost losing an eye this week, too, just to really depress everyone? Of course you can talk about how much the house is a mess because your useless lame wife is stuck resting her ankle, too.
By the way, I love you.
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