I have had a pretty frustrating day/week. There is so much going on around me that is pushing me down, making me feel like Jezebel is set to kill me if she ever gets to me. I feel like running to a cave and waiting to see what is there. I don't know what is right in my life right now because I see so much wrong.
I am not looking for a pity party. I look and see that I am at the point of my ministry being ruled ineffective. I have a hard time looking back and remembering my last Mt. Carmel. Was it VBS last year? Not really. I was disconnected. Perhaps it was VBS 2007. Has there been any successes?
Today was bad day. One of the kids I mentioned in one of my earlier blogs about how he needed extra attention had a really bad day. I lost control of the group. It doesn't help that 'the group' has shrunk to a very small number. AWANA has shrunk. Children's church has shrunk. Preschool and children's Sunday school have shrunk. I look and see that I have failed. I have not built the leadership structure around me, around the kids, to allow it to grow. And so, now I look and wonder if I can lead in this position, in this place. Have I been neutered to the point of ineffectiveness because of my actions, others attitudes, and loss of respect. I don't know.
I look at the things mounting up around me, my family, and wonder if God is closing doors. We are becoming outcasts. I've been there a long time already but things are starting to look grimmer. I look and wish the cave just to close up on me to save me sometimes. Where are my earthquakes, my fires, my strong winds and my still small voice to bring me back?
So I wonder. I sit and think about if the grass is greener on the other side. I think about if ministry is more open elsewhere and wonder if that's where God is leading. I don't think I'll get another position on staff, even voluntary like I am now, elsewhere because I don't have the degrees. Sure, I have the ordination paper and a preaching license, but right now, I doubt their presence.
In the end, though, I know that God, no matter what is going on in my life or how I feel, is good and that He loves me. I may feel the world is against me and that they are looking for the opportunity to strike me down when I'm not looking, but God is good.
I will persevere and wait on God to open doors, close doors, blow up doors, whatever He's going to do. In the end, it's not about me but about Him and how I can please Him and so I will continue on to work for that goal.
The Family
The extended family
4 comments:
I recently finished a Study by Beth Moore on the book of Ester. It is quickly becoming one of my favorite books. I find it interesting that you seem to have your own personal Haman, that you are currently doing battle with.
I see so many similarities between your situation and Mordecai's. Here is an excerpt from a comentary on the book. I hope it helps.
"The book of Esther does not mention the name of God. This is strange for a book that is in the Bible. Sometimes God seems to be silent. We might even think that he does not care about us. The writer of the book of Esther probably wanted his readers to realise that God is always in control. Although we cannot see God, he is always doing things in the world. Nobody can stop his plans.
· Usually the kings of Persia only married wives from the 7 most important families in Persia. But God wanted Esther, who was a *Jew, to be queen. The servants of the king suggested that officials should search all the *kingdom for suitable young girls. The king would then choose his favourite girl and he would make her queen (Esther 2:2-4). God made Esther beautiful (Esther 2:7). And the king chose her to be queen.
· Mordecai was Esther’s relative. He saved the king’s life. But the king forgot to reward him. That was unusual. But God knew that the best time for Mordecai to get his reward was much later (Esther 2:21-23).
· Haman was the enemy of the *Jews. He wanted to select a lucky date when he could kill the *Jews. So he used the *Purim stones, which were a game of chance. God made sure that the *Purim stones chose a date nearly a year later. God had a special plan to save the *Jews from Haman’s plot (Esther 3:7).
· Mordecai believed that God had made Esther queen. So Mordecai believed that God could use her to save the *Jews. But even if Esther did not speak on their behalf, God would still save the *Jews. Mordecai believed this also (Esther 4:12-14).
· Esther went to see the king, although he had not invited her. In Persia, this was a dangerous thing to do. She knew that she was risking her life. But she also knew that God was in control. God helped Esther to please the king. The king promised to give her almost anything that she wanted (Esther 5:1-3).
· We do not know why the king could not sleep that night. We do not know why he chose to read the books of official records. But we know that this was part of God’s plan. The records described how Mordecai saved the king’s life. So the king wanted advice about how to reward Mordecai. He decided to ask the first important official that he could find. It was Haman. Haman got up early and, at exactly the right time, he came to see the king. But Haman wanted the king to hang Mordecai (Esther 6:1-5).
· Haman told his wife and his friends about Mordecai. He told them that Mordecai was a *Jew. They seemed to believe that God would protect his *Jewish people (Esther 6:12-14).
· God changed the situation. Mordecai got the king’s reward that Haman had wanted for himself. And Haman got the punishment that Haman wanted Mordecai to get (Esther 7:5-10). Then the king allowed Mordecai to write a new law that would protect the *Jews from Haman’s evil plan.
· The day that Haman had chosen for his plan came. The enemies of the *Jews had hoped to kill all the *Jews. But Mordecai’s law allowed the *Jews to defend themselves on that day. Haman’s plot had failed. God’s plan had succeeded (Esther 9:1-4).
· The book of Esther records the origin of the holiday called *Purim. During this holiday, the *Jews remember how God saved them from their enemies (Esther 9:20-22)."
I've read your blog for the last few posts and it seems like there is a lot of drama going on.
Just one piece of advice: If your ministry has 'failed', then you aren't doing what you are supposed to be doing.
"Your" ministry is not yours at all. You need to give it to God. That is kind of the whole point, right? If everything 'you' are trying to do isn't working, perhaps it is because it is 'you' that is trying. If instead you let God work through you and take over 'your' ministry, He cannot fail.
I don't know your circumstances. The drama you are dealing with sounds a little crazy and stressful. But I do know you (or at least who you were when we hung out together in High School), and I know that you care about kids. Let God work through you to do that (at that church or somewhere else) and you will not fail.
Ministry has its ups and downs. There are cycles in churches and our own personal cycles.
The bad times seem to be really bad. The kind of bad in which we can easily become overwhelmed and even give up.
I have found that the troubles are really smaller than they seem. When we hit hard times, we need to let God define what is and what is not. He is the only true constant.
From the comments I can see that you have some caring friends. Lean on them. I hope you and your pastor can communicate well. It's a must. Let him know how you feel. Pray together.
In all of it faith says that God is still at work even though it does not look like it. Trust in Him to bring you to the light at the end of the tunnel.
I'll be praying for you.
I hope you can find encouragement and direction. Remember something Bob (the guy who ran TMI) use to say "God's way up is down". I relate to your longing for seeing God move, been feeling that way lately myself.
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